Police Box

They're still trapped on that frigging island

2009-01-22T00:55:00.000-08:00

LOST returns on Sunday and as I am hastily making my way through season 4 to catch up with everything that's happened, did happen, and is going to happen to the Oceanic Flight 815 survivors, I thought I'd post my current problems with the show.

1. Nobody talks to anyone.

Back in the days of classic Neighbours, when Bouncer ran gaily down Ramsay Street to Lassiters and there was someone called Mrs Mangle in it, entire plots could be carried on for WEEKS with the single line "I don't want to talk about it."

The "IDWTTAI" line is best delivered, teary-eyed, red-faced and just before slamming a front door, usually directed at a loved one. What made the line all the more frustrating was that the cause was usually a complete misunderstanding - that no one had run anyone over, no affair was taknig place, no one had left the oven on - had they been prepared to sit down and have a chat, over tea and a biscuit, all that grief, worry and strife could have been avoided.

And so it is on LOST. I've lost count of the number of times I've heard "I can't tell you that", "I've not been completely honest with you", "I think they're lying", "I don't believe you!" - and man, is it getting boring. The problem being - we know better than the characters sometimes, cos we see all the flashbacks and flashforwards so them dicking about on the island not talking to each other just frustrates us. But then the characters will deliberately withold information and suddenly reveal it. I suppose the effect on the audience is supposed to be joyous surprise at the 'twists' but actually it just leaves us feeling a bit stupid - we thought we knew, now we don't.

2. There's still too many stupidly hot looking people in sweaty vests.

"Yeah in the 108 days since the plane crash I've mainly been working out, lot of work on my lats and abs. I managed to find these awesome pair of combat trousers and I'm now fully firearms trained too. And in walkie-talkies. And in driving boats. And in bush-tracking."

I'd be shit on the island. No wifi, no mobile phone signal, not that big a fan of the heat. Body sagging, I would put my vest on and look like Onslow from Keeping Up Appearances. I wouldn't know where the safety was on a 9mm automatic and I'm pretty sure my cub scout training wouldn't extend to following the Others back to their camp let alone starting a fire. However all of the main characters seemed to have grasped this within the space of three months and look amazing while doing. When LOST started out it was a real mixture of characters... then they offed all the funs ones, kept Hurley for laughs and is now just a bunch of super-fit people in posturing competition.

3. It's really still just The Prisoner.

LOST is probably the greatest tribute to the late Patrick McGoohan he's ever likely to get. No one really escapes the island/Village. There's a mysterious organisation behind it conducting crazy experiments. The island/Village has it's own unlikely security system in the Black Smoke Monster/Rover. There's an evil, malevolent force that wants to know everything in Number 2/Ben Linus. They've even managed to escape, only to end up going back - season 5/'Many Happy Returns'... If LOST ends as crazily as The Prisoner did - complete with Beatles backed machine-gun fight, I'll be happy.

Bouncer from Neighbours in his award-winning role as Vincent in the opening shot of LOST.

4. Alan fucking Dale.

Dear TV producers, please stop employing Alan Dale. We've seen enough. Despite this being yet another link to LOST's predecessor, erm, Neighbours, it also keeps employed the most ubiquitous man on TV.

ER, The X-Files, CSI: Miami, Ugly Betty, NCIS, The OC, The West Wing, 24, The Star Trek movies, he even made Torchwood shitter than usual (an episode saved by Freema Agyeman confronting a giant insect) and now LOST - enough is enough. We can't blame him for making the new Indiana Jones crap, but the fact he was there could be a contributing factor, people!

5. You keep dodging the big issues!

A while back the LOST ARG which was enormous fun, posted videos that suggested that with the failure of the DHARMA project to solve the Valenzetti Sequence, that it was time to release a virus that would kill two-thirds of the world's population, as you can see in the video below.

WHAT?! I mean this is fucking HUGE stuff - nevermind whether Kate wants to bed Sawyer or Jack, the DHARMA guys are going to KILL US ALL!! Why haven't they addressed this in the show?

It's a celebrity on Twitter! Pee yourselves!

2009-01-21T01:56:00.000-08:00

Over the last four or five months the number of celebrity tweeters on Twitter has increased significantly, some have arrived through a love of technology others have appeared due to PR campaigns.

What's interesting is that the moment that one of our esteemed representatives of film or usually TV joins the community it's like a dog running around the playground while you're trying to learn basic English history.

Dour, normally sensible posters become gibbering with excitement falling over themselves to ingratiate, be funny at or generally grab the attention of the celeb involved. One person felt the need to tweet how grateful they were for Phillip Schofield acknowledging their message of support. You wonder if this is a hangover from him and Gordon the Gopher never reading out their letter in the Broom Cupboard.

Stephen Fry, whose number of followers means that one day he will own Twitter, while thousands of people live in constant hope of DMing him an invite to their dinner party, manages it quite well. He usually very sweetly thanks people and shares his everyday life (which mainly consists of going to far-off places to make TV shows and complaining about PCs) in a series of amusing tweets and pics. It doesn't take much to see that Stephen is gradually using Twitter to increase his market base, as does his blog and podcasts. He's the ultimate 2.0 self-publicising bloke and he's doing it very well indeed. Jonathan Ross recently joined is clearly enjoying himself too. Was it recommended by his PR company post Sachsgate? John Cleese is irreverant and amusing but never seems to want to tweet about the blonde bint he's now boffing.

Other celebs don't contribute so much. Terry Wogan seems to have disappeared, it if ever was him. Jeremy Clarkson stopped altogether on the 5th of January. Alan Carr about a week ago. It seems that for some celebs the idea of giving stalkers exactly what they want is a little too much and probably too time-consuming.

So, the celeb effect will certainly draw further interest from the public in Twitter, which for the company is a good thing, but the community will need greater subject and poster grouping tools to keep all your work, hobby, sex and celeb streams straight. If you want all that information...

See, my greatest problem with Twitter is apathy. You've updated your blog - CONGRATS. You're explaining how Twitter works to a {polite but ultimately disinterested} TV presenter - WOO HOO. You've posted some new pics of your cat to Flickr - FOR GOD'S SAKE MAKE IT STOP. You've told everyone that your partner is the world's greatest lover - at this point I usually have to shut down Twitter or risk throwing my monitor on the floor and kicking it, and any nearby animals, to death.

But is the celeb effect enough to keep me there? Time will tell and yesterday was a great example, Robert Llewellyn posted that there was definitely going to be some new Red Dwarf, which is a good thing.

John on Twitter

You're in the Movies!

2008-12-16T08:36:00.001-08:00

(but maybe not the whole of you).

So last weekend I had some friends over for a few drinks before we headed out to a party. Unbeknownst to them I had planned this as the perfect time to expose them to social gaming on the XBox... or at least the beginnings of it and like a drunken Hollywood mogul chatting up the waitresses at the Brown Derby, I was going to put them IN THE MOVIES!

First however I needed to get into the mood. Judging by the box cover art the mood of YITM is one of extreme excitement and jubilation.

Yeah! Look at all the pointing and stuff!

With this in mind I decided to do my best emulate those on the box and get in the mood. That guy on the left looks like he's having fun, I thought, I'll try him.

Are we having fun yet or what?!

Now that I was suitably in the mood it was time to set up the camera.

You'll notice that the camera is precariously placed, especially on a thin telly like mine. After all this is the place usually reserved for the Wii infrared unit, which came with sticky tabs to hold it in place. No sticky stuff on the XBox camera, so it rested on the Wii bar. The camera is so light, it doesn't have to be that secure, just something to be aware of as you're going to be jumping around.

YITM loads up with a short movie explaining the best way to play the game. This includes the four things you're going to need to make the game work.

1. Correct lighting.
2. Lots of space.
3. The ability for people to get in and out of shot.
4. Alcohol.*

Cheekily shot in home-movie style with toys, the introductory movie is genuinely funny, well-acted and will give the most technophobic player a good grounding to what's going to happen next.

You're then invited to stand in front of the camera and let it take your pic to give you a) a player avatar and b) differentiate you from the background. This where the problems set in.

The process that YITM uses to magically transport you to the cinema is one very similar to chroma key, an idea that's been in use in tv since the 70s and in movies long before that. In short, the person in shot must wear a different colour to one that is used in the background behind them, as the background is then 'filled in' with a static image. Therefore if you have a black jumper on and let's say a black coat is in the background, bits of you will disappear when encountering the space occupied by the black coat. Here's Dan playing one of the minigames:

If you look carefully you can see that not all of Dan has been picked up and that he's not all there...

In fact that's a sizeable chunk out! Which is a shame as it detracts from the enjoyment of the minigames, but more importantly from the eventual trailer you're going to star in.

Used successfully the effect can be quite dramatic such as during the death of Monitor here in the Doctor Who story 'Logopolis'.

So, there's already a problem with the camera, which is an annoyance more than anything else. However, the minigames are actually quite good fun. Being made to run on the spot, pretend to hit targets, dodge flying film cans or enter into a tug of war are a laugh, especially if you're one of the players watching from the sidelines. Even better is when you're asked to go 'In the Spotlight' and the director tells you how to pose, act and be a star. The best thing to do here is let go of your inhibitions and play-up to the camera as much as possible, it will all help the finished trailer.

So once you've finished the minigames, the game then invites you to your premier. All of your antics in the minigames have been recorded and are now dropped magically in to the trailer of your choice. We started off by trying thriller 'Scared Witness', but then quickly progressed to Superhero movie 'Everyone's Super' as evidenced by Kyla here doing her best Clark Kent.

So overall it would be wrong to say we didn't have fun with YITM cos we did, we laughed, jumped around and had a good time. The longevity of the game is going to be limited though, with only a finite number of trailers to be played through and the minigames not providing that much of a challenge (certainly not enough to sustain the game's half-hearted attempt at competition via a points system and awards ceremony at the end). It's life will therefore probably not exist much beyond this Xmas, but could perhaps be viewed as a stepping stone to better things.

I would say a Moviewatch five out of ten for this one. Moderate fun, but no real need to go back for more. Maaaaaaaaarvellous. I'll also do a follow-up post when I've looked at the editing mode bundled with it.

*They don't recommend you need this in the movie, but trust me it helps.

Thanks to Steve Hill's Image Archive for the Logopolis pic.

They gave John an XBox 360

2008-12-10T01:03:00.000-08:00

Last week I was sitting at my desk, minding my own business when I got a phone call from Bill Gates.

Not Gates himself, of course, he's too busy to actually call people. Like Santa Claus, Bill hires a team of people to impersonate him, especially at this seasonal time of year. The conversation went something like this:

BILL: Hi, is that, John?
JOHN: Yeah, who wants to know?
BILL: John, it's Bill Gates, we need a man who doesn't play games to review our games console.
JOHN: Bill that's crazy talk, I mean I'm 'a PC' and stuff, but getting someone who doesn't review games to play with an XBox 360- It's madness! It's the worst idea since Vista!

Over the next forty minutes Bill explained to me the deal. You see, the House of Mario had released this console called the 'Wii' and families and groups of people were getting together to play it. Not really for the solitary gamer toiling long in to the night. This was 'social' or 'casual' gaming. And it was eating market share like Godzilla with the munchies.

So Microsoft want a piece of the action and they were keen to find social gamers who could help them. Now I do own a Wii and I go game socially with it. Our favourite game is bowling and I have about 10 Miis created by my friends stored on the console. I am actually best at Wii Sports Golf, relaxing to play by oneself, frustrating in a social situation. I think bowling works because the turn around of players is so quick, so no one gets bored.

Anyway Microsoft have asked me to test out the XBox 360 with a game called You're in the Movies. You may have seen the above-the-line TV commercials with Burt Reynolds. Nicely matched with the exposure he'll be getting for his new British comedy A Bunch of Amateurs.

Over the next few weeks I'm going to put the XBox through its social gaming paces. First I'd thought I'd take some unboxing pics, cos you know, that's cool as well.

Mmm, shiny, shiny/Shiny box of plastic...

Actually this probably costs a fortune in orange and green plastic bags.

The testing area set up, note the Wii perched on top of the DVD player.

So some disclosure to conclude:

1. Microsoft really have given me this console and this game. No lie.
2. I own an iPod and ambivalent to the whole Microsoft vs Apple thing. Unlike Stephen Fry...
3. Neither am I some sort of Nintendo freak, YES the N64 was for me the best games console ever, but I have an open mind.
4. As an online marketeer myself I'm finding this whole process fascinating.
5. Any questions give me a shout. johnrivers@gmail.com

Oxford Lit Festival

2008-04-03T01:39:00.000-07:00

It's Festival Time so the blog is back!

Make your way over to www.fifthestate.co.uk to find out what I've been up to.

Involves Charlie Higson and Catapults!

Regeneration

2008-03-17T13:53:00.001-07:00

The blog must lived. I can bring it back to life.

WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY.

Stage 2

2008-03-17T13:31:00.000-07:00

Let's see if this works.

John's Comprehensive Reviews Presents...

2007-08-05T03:58:00.000-07:00

The Simpsons Movie

After 18 years, I am one of the few people that still enjoys The Simpsons and feel it hasn't lost its bite. While Family Guy, South Park and Futurama are undeniably funny, The Simpsons is the granddaddy of them all.

So this movie was important to me, I've grown up with the show, seen it's influence play across numerous comedies, one of the best examples being Father Ted. The decision to take the show into a surreal direction has been one heavily criticised, but when it can mixed such surrealism with satire, it is a truly strong format.

The Simpsons Movie manages to pull off this surreal/satire mix with incredible aplomb, I was delighted. It has a go at the government, Fox, environmentalism, Disney, liberals and conservatives. Everyone was a target. A good example is that President Schwarzenegger has been elected to office ("I was elected to lead, not to read") while Lisa forces the whole town to see her environmental warning lecture-come-film ('An Irritating Truth').

At the core of The Simpsons has always been the family ideal. This has been put to the test continuously, and is tested to breaking point in the movie. It again raises the question why Marge stays with Homer, but this movie, probably better than many episodes, answers it.

Homer is the star. Those of you worried about the whole pig-thing, well it's over by the end of the first third. He's dumb, impulsive, but most of all funny - and that's what matters the most.

This is the trailer, I thought about posting clips, but I don't want to ruin the jokes... 5/5 - go see!

John's Comprehensive Reviews Presents: Lovebox

2007-07-24T05:06:00.000-07:00

Another weekend, another festival. While I do my best dear readers to insure I cover all that's good between London and Bristol, my legs, like my bank balance is becoming knackered.

Not too badly for last Saturday though when thanks to my good friends Steve and Nat, I got a free ticket to the Lovebox Saturday. I couldn't really turn this one down, could I? So, off we went to Old Street and then had to run for a bus, which frothed up the Kronenbourg I was carrying and consequently meant I sat on the bus reeking of alcohol looking like I'd pissed myself. With such legendary antics already occuring Lovebox was sure to be a good one...

MORE BLOODY QUEUING

Festival organisers of Britain - SORT IT OUT!

I'm not sure how what appeared to be at least seven gates for entry turned into two huge queues, but it still happened. To be fair, the entry process speeded up when more gates opened, but honestly, how long have they been running this thing? On getting to the front gate one was confronted with a large police presence, more so than at any other festival this year and weren't mucking about when it came to drugs. I, of course, was squeaky clean and so once had breezed in, and the rain had started, it was time to leg it through the festival for:

THE SUPER FURRY ANIMALS

Admittedly, what with all the queuing, we only made it to the last 15 minutes of the set. Just in time for a superb version of teenage crowd-pleaser 'The Man Don't Give A Fuck' and to watch Gruff Rhys put his Power Ranger helmet on and rip into a guitar solo. Which is good considering he's now signed as a solo artist to Rough Trade as well. Well done, Gruff!

GILLES PETERSON

By now it had started to bucket down and we fought our way into the 'Strangelove' dance tent, hands gripping cans of Red Stripe like our lives depended on it. Here's Nat and Steve in the tent:

The DJ of the hour was Gilles Peterson. Whole gigs-worth of servers have been written on how much fun Peterson is and how much he means to dance and world music. All of which is true, he embodies a jazz spirit by being rather short and isn't adverse to dropping something as classic as 'Apache' into the middle of a set.

Halfway through the set, Peterson was joined on the stage by a group of people dressed as characters from the movie Dr Strangelove. All this business was a little unnecessary, complete with the getting naked during the set. I'm there to dance!

JUNIOR BOYS

Weird electro outfit from Canada. Still enjoyable stuff from the mainstage. The new Pet Shop Boys (without the angst)?

THE SCRATCH PERVERTS

Tony Vegas, DJ Plus One and Prime Cuts - all three were on hand to deliver some true party set festival style dancing. Unafraid to drop classic after classic and have the crowd try and keep up with their cut-up shenanigans. I was delighted cos they played pretty much the whole of Intergalactic without scratching it beyond recognition. Very enjoyable, now why weren't they that up for it at every Blowpop I've seen them at?

MEANWHILE, BACK OUTSIDE...

It had turned into a lovely day. Finally the Glasto-curse had moved on and we were free to experience some festivalling again.

Okay, so the size of Lovebox may be pretty small compared to that of Glastonbury, but it was just about right. The right number of people, the right level of facilities, except for ladies loos, where the queues are astronomical and you could get pretty close to the stages. There were plentiful bars too, which would have been perfect had it not been for:

THE WORST IDEA AT FESTIVAL BARS EVER

Up until Saturday this had been 'not selling unlabelled bottles of Brothers Bar Cider', now we have a new champion.

http://www.peppermintbars.co.uk/

This is the web address of bar managment company Peppermint Bars. They were tasked with running the festival bars at Lovebox. Unlike the Workers Beer Company, Peppermint have a more unique way of doing things. You order your drink, the bar person serves you and then...

GOES TO A TILL TO GET YOUR CHANGE?!

That's right, all your orders are rung up on a till and your change handed to the bar person who, after waiting for it, then returns it to you. This process of waiting must add an extra two or three minutes to the wait time. Then, they give you a RECEIPT! What do they think I'm going to do? Put my tab on expenses?! "Yeah, load up on the cans of Red Stripe, I know they're £3.20 a go, but I reckon if I get a receipt I can stick it all on the account!" What a joke. All this did was cause anger and frustration, as queues became almost five deep at the bar, especially when the till had to have its printer roll replaced. GAHHHHH! I needed something to cheer me up, I marched back to the mainstage.

Before the next act came on we were lucky enough to catch champion beatboxer and Lovebox legend Beardyman.

This guy was really brilliant. See, just how brilliant by watching the video (from last year) below. Beardyman pretends to be a lecturer and then astounds a crowd.

BLONDIE

I kinda saw SOUL II SOUL from a distance, but not enough to warrant a gig report and so onwards to one of the most iconic bands of the 20th century. Playing what can only be described as 'hit after hit after hit', BLONDIE were magnificent and beautiful, hair and all.

This really was the greatest hits show. The band was tight, Harry could still sing, even though she looked a little bit like a drunken auntie dancing at a wedding. It didn't matter though, this was camp as tits and all the better for it. Even managing an encore with 'Heart of Glass' this was gig of the festival for me and really showed up the headlining act...

But it took 45 mins for them to come on and so it was time for some limbo dancing:

SLY AND THE FAMILY STONE

Well... they did 'Dance to the Music' first, even though 'Sly' didn't actually show up on stage until four songs in. Popbitch reckon he'd been shopping in the West End for new clothes when he'd realised they needed him on stage. He managed to do one song, before announcing that he "had to take a piss" and then only came on again to do one before the 10:30pm finish. A virtual hunchback, Sly could certainly sing, but for a finale act it looked more like a standard soul band with way too many walks on the bass. And the rain returned. A slightly disappointing end to an otherwise brilliant day.

So, not bad for free! If you're holding a festival and want me to come and review it, then let me know and I may just do that... Free entry, mind.

John's Comprehensive Reviews Presents...

2007-07-23T12:26:00.000-07:00

Well a mini-review of Ashton Court Festival, Bristol. With pics.

ARRIVAL

My plan was an absolute masterstroke - avoid the big queues of early afternoon by diving into the Mardyke and getting pissed. Due to some market research, no alcohol could be brought on to the site, so getting a few drinks in beforehand was a good thing.

However, the plan failed due to an idiotic queuing system that forced everyone into a bottleneck.

So... we had to wait 45 minutes to actually get inside. Meaning I missed HACKSAW and THE SHE CREATURES.

Once in, I grabbed some food and saw:

TURBO WOLF

Crazy five piece band with an indie-dance ethic and the best thing: Babe on Keyboards. Overall great stuff.

By now the cider had kicked in...

And it was time to have a bit of a look round...

Alright, so we only got as far as the beer tent, just as some insane man in a balloon decided to descend on the festival, flying dangerously close to the ferris wheel...

And by then it was time for

FORTUNE DRIVE

Who seemed to be beset with more problems, in fact it seems whenever they play live. Still it managed to come across as lively, angry guitar music. I've really got to see these guys inside as their festival curse keeps on.

As the clouds moved across...

The drugs kicked in...

THE FALL

It's not exaggeration to say The Fall are one of the most prolific bands the UK has ever produced.
I've now seen them four times and each time it's something different. This time the band were plagued with sound difficulties causing MES to get the band to leave the stage. Luckily they came back and gave an outstanding rendition of Blindness (which is pretty much my fave track now).

Overall then the gig was about a 3/5. Ironically the best I've seen them was at the Bristol Academy and that's not a great venue.

And that was Ashton Court, sunnier (and cheaper) than Glastonbury and completely rained off on day 2, which has lead to widespread speculation that the festival will not continue. A shame.

Mark E Smith, like John, enjoys drinking in The Quinton.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

2007-07-18T06:33:00.000-07:00

John's spoilerous review

One of the many advantages I have with the Harry Potter movies is that I haven't read the books. This means each movie is a delight to behold, keeps me guessing and surprised and I don't spend the whole 2-3 hours going "Where's that bit? Why have they cut that character?" and then telling people like me to 'read the books because there's more going on'.

What was clear from the movie of OotP, was that the plot clearly couldn't justify 800-odd pages
of book. The plot is simple. The Ministry of Magic decide to surpress growing fears surroundnig Potter and his assertation that Voldemort is back, by cracking down on Hogwarts and Dumbledore. The teenagers fight back in a 'we'll put the show on right here!' style by learning magical defence themselves, which gets them into trouble with a delightfully sadistic Imelda Staunton. Surprise, surprise, the Ministry's being manipulated by the dark lord himself and forces Harry into breaking into the Ministry to steal his own 'prophecy' (more on how awful this is later). This Harry and the Famous Five do, only to end up in a big fight with Rafe Fiennes and defeat Voldemort with the power of love and friendship, a resolution as old as the Care Bears Movie.

So it's clear that Rowling had to invent the Quidditch bits to give Ron something to do and fill out a few hundred pages. In that respect I'm glad they ditched it from the movie as mercifully the movie comes in at only two hours.

However there is something missing here and that's the sense of wonder. When I think back to Azkaban, I think of the magnificent Hippogriff, brilliantly realised by London's Framestore. Or the Cinesite realisation of the underwater scenes in Goblet of Fire. Most of this stuff seemed to be missing in Phoenix, it is only the Ministry of Magic that really made you go 'wow' and then only for a few seconds. When are we going to see an X-Wing style dogfight on broomsticks across the London nightsky?

As for the new characters, well he cops off with Cho Chang only to have the useless girl sell him out (thus one assumes setting up a string of 'trust issues' Harry will have around women who aren't his Mother). Better was Luna Lovegood, a loopy Irish girl who you assume is going to betray the group because she has blonde hair. More Luna please.

Overall 4/5 - not as good as Azkaban or Goblet of Fire, but better than the first two run-arounds. Let's hope something a bit more substantial happens in the next one...

Doctor Who and the Silly Season

2007-06-28T06:05:00.000-07:00

As Doctor Who ends it's third successful year on telly this Saturday, it's been amusing reading the different fan theories about what's going to happen. Though I've steered clear of Outpost Gallifrey's spoiler section (the Hive Mind have their feelers out everywhere), even better has been the discussion on Digital Spy where the 'Toclafane' have gone from being the Time Lords to the Cybermen to the Daleks.

Whatever Saturday brings, whether it's Tennant's regeneration, the real universe Cybermen showing up, all those humans who were bound for Utopia turning out to be the alien Voord, I'll be sure to enjoy the finale.

Especially if the dialogue lives up to the work of THIS RLY BE STEVE whose photo captions (or macros) have kept me entertained for the past few hours:

Click here for the rest of this installment. Or indeed check out the Torchwood ones...

This is from FarmerGeddon - a genius whose incredible DVD covers are second only to his ability to make comedy Doctor Who. The Five Doctors, as it should have been.

Part 1:

Part 2:

Of course for real comedy, you could just watch the whole of Time-Flight.

John's Comprehensive Reviews Presents: Glastonbury Festival 2007

2007-06-26T02:24:00.000-07:00

While this review is comprehensive in terms of what I saw, it is by no means complete. In short, I wussed out on Sunday and left the site at 2pm, where I then got back to Bristol, had a hot bath and went down the pub to sit inside and watch Sky Sports News. I'm not particularly proud of this fact, in fact I'm a little disappointed with myself, but, on the other hand I had to weigh that up against another day of feeling fucking miserable, because a lot of Glastonbury this year was miserable.

However, I did see some cracking music and some crazy stuff, the odd life-changing moment and the spectacle of humanity overcoming impossible odds, especially when they needed a poo.

Without further ado, let's start on Thursday, in the Leftfield and Bristol's finest five-piece...

THURSDAY

FORTUNE DRIVE

Hidden away in a corner from the Pyramid Stage and flaunting a 'fuck-you-I-won't-do-what-you-tell-me' attitude (more on which later), the Leftfield Stage started with some bands a day ahead of everyone else. While I didn't really see enough of Los Angeles cock-rockers THE BLOOD ARM, they did sound a lot of fun and I'll make an effort to see them again. FORTUNE DRIVE meanwhile are a hard-indie outfit from my home town whose self-styled rock attitude seems only tempered by their incredible bad luck at festival gigs. I thought the group had adopted a policy of '2 different types of guitar per song' and 'long drum solos' only to find out from Nick who was nearer the front than me, that the lead guitarist kept breaking his strings. This was a shame, because the band's pounding sound is one to certainly enjoy. I'd change the name of the band though, FORTUNE DRIVE sounds like somewhere your Auntie and Uncle live.

FRIDAY

MR HUDSON & THE LIBRARY

The what-now? Deciding that a band that had played a tour of libraries would be a wacky enough way to kick off the festival, I trudged over to the Other Stage on a wet and argumentative Friday morning. At that point the ground in front of the Other Stage was a sea of green, a lush and verdant sight which would make any groundskeeper proud. I was actually able to sit fairly near the stage while the roadies set up. Mr Hudson is a producer come singer who apparently read English at Oxford. Before you turn your nose up, his brand of self-reflective reggae is actually quite charming and at times heart-warming. This is unique, especially for me, as I hate reggae, but given that the Library boasts some awesome keyboard playing and steel drum action, I found myself being turned. His voice isn't as annoying as Sting's either, so when they support THE POLICE later this year, you may enjoy them more. Great stuff, buy, borrow or steal an album today.

This is their Jazz World appearance from Saturday afternoon.

GUILTY PLEASURES FEATURING THE TOUR DOGS AND SPECIAL GUESTS

So after the enjoyment of Mr Hudson, I had stuff to do. I had to be in Lost Vaguness by one to witness a wedding, well, more than that, I was the best man. I walked from the Other Stage to the Jazz World stage where things were about to get underway. Stopping ahead of the stage all I heard were the words "This is Guilty Pleasures, forty-five minutes of the best pop music ever and this is The Magic Numbers!" And there they were THE MAGIC NUMBERS belting out Dolly Parton classic '9 to 5'. What was this madness? It didn't stop there. ED HARCOURT covered Billy Joel's 'My Life'. Some guy from the BAY CITY ROLLERS murdered the Foundations 'Build me up Buttercup' and then GUY GARVEY performed a lovely version of Chicago's 'If You Leave Me Now' which was only the warm-up to 'TIM-BURGESS-OUT-OF-THE-FREAKIN'-CHARLATANS', who in turn was only a warm-up to SUGGS!

It was a bit crazy to see all this talent at once, even if the covers were a little shambolic at times, it was great fun. Recommended if you find yourself in that part of the festival at that time.

A WEDDING

Anyway on to the main business of the day. Matt and Angela were trying to organise themselves a wedding in the Lost Vagueness chapel. Sadly a load of other couples had the same idea, and even though they'd turned up decked out in full regalia, they were going to have to wait. Agitatedly, Matt decided to ask any old hippy in a top-hat to conduct the ceremony. Luckily there was one right outside the chapel running his own insect circus. Sensing an opportunity that didn't involve a druid or shaman (though getting married by Mr C of THE SHAMEN would have been awesome "Anybody got any veras? Laaaavly!") Matt asked the ringmaster and he kindly agreed. In the pissing rain we stood as Matt and Angela faced each other and I provided the rings. Aww, fake wedding complete. Then Matt goes and gets down on one knee and proposes there and then. For real. A shocked Angela agrees and despite my best efforts to talk him out of it the evening before, Matt found himself engaged. A quick reception at the Brother's Bar and it was back to the music.

THE AUTOMATIC

We may have been waiting for the next act, but THE AUTOMATIC were quite good fun to watch. While their indie credentials may suffer from only having one memorable song their two covers of TALKING HEADS 'Life During Wartime' and KANYE WEST's 'Gold Digga' were something to behold. Anyway, best to get on with every Doctor Who fans fave pop song: "What's that coming over the hill? Is it a Monster? Is it a MONSTAHHH?!"

BRIGHT EYES

Laconic indie-folk from some American bloke. Pretty much instantly forgettable. Nick and I voted with our feet to the John Peel Stage.

THE NEW PORNOGRAPHERS

A not-so-loud indie noiseclash from Canada, that made a nice sound, but didn't give anything more than that. In fact at times the band seemed so rooted to the spot that you wondered if they'd been replaced by KRAFTWERK's robots. Even by now the ground by the John Peel Stage was coated in a two-inch thick layer of sludge. A tiny patch of green still existed right next to the fence, but it all honesty the writing was on the wall, the mud had returned and it was not going to be making any allowances.

THE FRATELLIS

Take one Glasgow band, a bunch of female friendly singles about love and pining for loved ones, add in some football style chanting for the lagered up lads (and one fuck-off marketing campaign) and you've got some classic pop songs. The band did look a little shy and given the limited nature of the material a lot of the songs seemed to slide together, but definitely the odd anthem lurking here and there. I reckon they're alright, baby, baby, they're alriiiiight.

ARCADE FIRE

Wow, I'd been told to look out for an intense experience and I certainly got one with ARCADE FIRE. I'd been told that they were similar to NEW ORDER and there is something about Win Butler's performance that reminds you of Barney or Ian Curtis. It was explained to me that every instrument was on stage to do something specific and that certainly seemed to be the case. ARCADE FIRE was an awesome noise and experience that I felt privilaged to have seen. By now back was aching like buggery at all the standing and I was contemplating a new gym subscription. But anyway, my aches and pains aside, this was amazing. Sod REM, ARCADE FIRE are the new title holders. Go and see, go and listen. Incredible.

BJORK

Iceland must run some 25 minutes behind us, because that's how long Bjork took to get to the stage, dressed in an outfit that can only be described as Wonder Woman meets Robin Hood. This was always going to be special, with the stage covered in flags and jets of flame spouting from the back. The opening half of the set was quite quiet with Bjork relating stories to us as only she can. "I thought I could organise freedom/How Scandinavian of me' just made me think of Ikea. Then along came 'Army of Me', blowing everyone out of the water with it's sheer heaviness, yet that was only a pre-cursor to what was to come. The video I've posted below is 'Hyperballad' when the set moved from 'comfortable' to 'industrial techno noise attack' - lasers, electronic ouiji boards, dancing, pounding drums, strobes and at the centre, Bjork - an intergalactic space witch creating the chaos on planet Earth. Extraordinary and unforgettable, this was probably my favourite gig of the festival and a great way to round off Friday.

SATURDAY

Saturday began as all the days at Glastonbury did, with the rain. By now the site was the swamp familiar to the readers of national newspapers. It was taking twice as long to get anywhere and twice as long to queue for anything. Getting out of BJORK had been awful, the pathways were coated in two inches of mud and there were thousands of people. This wasn't a relaxing holiday, this was Oxford Street times a million. The thought was depressing me badly. Adding 40,000 more people to the festival had made an impact and to my mind it was a bad one. There just simply weren't the facilities to cope with the vast numbers. I began to hear horror stories about the ARCTIC MONKEYS with it being standing room only across the whole of the Pyramid Stage field. Now while the drainage systems were working and at least the ground was solid under the mud slick, the numbers of people were beginning to worry me. Still I made my way down to the Pyramid Stage to see...

SEASICK STEVE

Want to know what Father Christmas does on his days off? He plays three-string blues guitar and has fun while doing it. Seasick Steve won't win any awards for originality, but he's extremely good at the old Mississippi Blues stuff. Gruff.

THE PIPETTES

Awwwww, I love THE PIPETTES. I want all three of them sent to my tent. Sexy, 50s/60s style girl pop who apparently want to put pop music back before the Beatles 'came along and ruined it all'. Beset by some technical problems this was still a great gig, with the girls getting some finger-wagging audience participation going and some booty shaking in wellies. The only problem is it's difficult to see where they'll go next. Now everybody - "PULL SHAPES!"

THE GUILLEMOTS

The Guillemot is a member of the Auk family that lives at sea and enjoys sheltering from the rain in close groups on windswept locations - which is precisely what I did during this tedious indie come carnival rock act that couldn't decide if they were one thing or the other. One point for the fit bird (ho, ho) on double bass.

CSS

Yay! CSS was a great deal of fun. They look fun, they sound fun, they even covered L7's 'Pretend We're Dead' which is taking fun to new levels. Fronted by Lovefoxxx (Luise Hanae Matsushita) who stripped from one glittery trapeze outift to another, the band jumped, bounced and gave the crowd free bubble making equipment. While CSS may be the most famous thing to come out of Sao Paulo since extreme poverty they are carving their own niche on the international pop stage and should be applauded for bucking the trend. According to wikipedia Lovefoxx is dating Simon Taylor-Davis of the Klaxons. More on those muppets below.

THE KLAXONS

Alright, I watched THE KLAXONS from a distance because by this point the entire festival had woken up and decided to descend on the Other Stage. Described as a rave outfit THE KLAXONS are in fact a bunch of middle class rich kids trying to act tough. Though a cover of Uncle Oakie's 'Not Over Yet' shows promise the rest is pretty much noise. I've got the album and I'm going to give them another chance, though to be honest just writing about them is filling me with sort of rage I ought to be reserving for

MARK RONSON

Do us all a favour and take your smart-arse cover versions back to the States and fucking stay there. I HATE YOU. There are a thousand kids all over the world working on computers and drum machines making more interesting stuff than you'll ever concieve, but they'll never make it cos they didn't have the upbringing, connections and money you did. Playing in the dance tent (east), Ronson proceeded to play records he'd produced, introducing each one over the mic. Throw into that a few hip hop anthems that would get even a geriatric crowd moving, Ronson looks like he seriously believes he's the saviour of music. His final tune, just to add grevious insult to horrifying injury is to play 'Killing in the Name Of'. Here's a hint kids, being on the front of the Guardian Guide with Lily Allen, discussing how rich and famous you are and then trying to get away with playing THAT record just makes you pretty much the biggest cunt in the world. Just fuck off, fuck off, FUCK OFF.

MIKA

Overly camp power-pop from some sort of man-child. Disturbing - though you can see why the gays and old women like him. Harmless fun really. Though he should stay away from 'You've Got the Love', records like that don't need covers.

MR SCRUFF

Thank god, someone with sense of decency and some funny drawings. 'Big up the Welly Crew!' annouced Mr Scruff's display screen. It was possibly the nicest thing I'd heard all weekend. The genius of Mr Scruff's djing is that it allows you to boogie without you ever feeling threatened and making you still have a sense of fun and interest. I was really enjoying this set until some arsehole decides to drop his glowsticks into the quagmire in front of me and then WIPES THEM ON ME. OK, so I don't care how many pills you're on, but for God's sake man, have some manners. That single act pretty much cemented in my mind that I was going to get the hell out. I left the dance tent angry and in need of a drink.

IGGY AND THE STOOGES

Which was handy really as being angry and having a drink put me in the perfect frame of mind for dealing with the punk prototype of THE STOOGES. This gig involved the most bizarre moment of the whole weekend when Iggy invited the crowd up for a stage invasion. Cue sixty or seventy people getting on the stage, trying to hug Iggy, getting punched by security ("You can't punch a clown, man" says Iggy, "This is Glastonbury") and refusing to leave the stage. Iggy keeps asking nicely and eventually the crowd disperse after the audience tell them to. You then have one pissed off band and an act that runs out of time. They did do 'I Wanna Be Your Dog' which was worth it.

THE GLITZY BAG HAGS

The final band I saw was at 3am in a tent in the Green Fields. Having stayed up specially for them, the GLITZYs did not disappoint. Delivering a unique brand of comedy-skiffle they covered subjects such as eBay, David Hasselhoff and even dropped some drum and bass in there. I reckon they could open the Pyramid Stage no problem.

SUNDAY

So I awoke on Sunday morning still pissed-off as the rain chucked it down. The ground out side our tent was a swamp, my boots covered in shit. I took the executive decision that I was pulling out. While I am sad to have missed THE CHEMICAL BROTHERS, PENDULUM and THE GO! TEAM, these are all bands I've seen before and will probably see again. Packing up my tent with Matt's help, I trudged back down the path to the bus station point. I got on one that went straight to Temple Meads and within 90 minutes I was in a hot bath. Which was bliss. Maybe I'm getting old, but I just felt so angry and betrayed that Glastonbury had turned into a mudbath again and that the weather had been so awful. It's a bit difficult to give a toss about WaterAid when it's relentlessly pissing down from the sky. Even though the evenings were nice it had become cold. Add to that the sheer numbers of people without the facilities increase, the fact my phone didn't work most of the time because Orange's network was screwed, so I couldn't contact friends and loved ones and it's difficult for me to want to go back. So I think I did the right thing by leaving. So much for the English Summer and so much for Glastonbury 2007.

Now, apparently my flat is leaking on to the flat below. Will it never end?