LOST returns on Sunday and as I am hastily making my way through season 4 to catch up with everything that's happened, did happen, and is going to happen to the Oceanic Flight 815 survivors, I thought I'd post my current problems with the show.
1. Nobody talks to anyone.
Back in the days of classic Neighbours, when Bouncer ran gaily down Ramsay Street to Lassiters and there was someone called Mrs Mangle in it, entire plots could be carried on for WEEKS with the single line "I don't want to talk about it."
The "IDWTTAI" line is best delivered, teary-eyed, red-faced and just before slamming a front door, usually directed at a loved one. What made the line all the more frustrating was that the cause was usually a complete misunderstanding - that no one had run anyone over, no affair was taknig place, no one had left the oven on - had they been prepared to sit down and have a chat, over tea and a biscuit, all that grief, worry and strife could have been avoided.
And so it is on LOST. I've lost count of the number of times I've heard "I can't tell you that", "I've not been completely honest with you", "I think they're lying", "I don't believe you!" - and man, is it getting boring. The problem being - we know better than the characters sometimes, cos we see all the flashbacks and flashforwards so them dicking about on the island not talking to each other just frustrates us. But then the characters will deliberately withold information and suddenly reveal it. I suppose the effect on the audience is supposed to be joyous surprise at the 'twists' but actually it just leaves us feeling a bit stupid - we thought we knew, now we don't.
2. There's still too many stupidly hot looking people in sweaty vests.
"Yeah in the 108 days since the plane crash I've mainly been working out, lot of work on my lats and abs. I managed to find these awesome pair of combat trousers and I'm now fully firearms trained too. And in walkie-talkies. And in driving boats. And in bush-tracking."
I'd be shit on the island. No wifi, no mobile phone signal, not that big a fan of the heat. Body sagging, I would put my vest on and look like Onslow from Keeping Up Appearances. I wouldn't know where the safety was on a 9mm automatic and I'm pretty sure my cub scout training wouldn't extend to following the Others back to their camp let alone starting a fire. However all of the main characters seemed to have grasped this within the space of three months and look amazing while doing. When LOST started out it was a real mixture of characters... then they offed all the funs ones, kept Hurley for laughs and is now just a bunch of super-fit people in posturing competition.
3. It's really still just The Prisoner.
LOST is probably the greatest tribute to the late Patrick McGoohan he's ever likely to get. No one really escapes the island/Village. There's a mysterious organisation behind it conducting crazy experiments. The island/Village has it's own unlikely security system in the Black Smoke Monster/Rover. There's an evil, malevolent force that wants to know everything in Number 2/Ben Linus. They've even managed to escape, only to end up going back - season 5/'Many Happy Returns'... If LOST ends as crazily as The Prisoner did - complete with Beatles backed machine-gun fight, I'll be happy.
Bouncer from Neighbours in his award-winning role as Vincent in the opening shot of LOST.
4. Alan fucking Dale.
Dear TV producers, please stop employing Alan Dale. We've seen enough. Despite this being yet another link to LOST's predecessor, erm, Neighbours, it also keeps employed the most ubiquitous man on TV.
ER, The X-Files, CSI: Miami, Ugly Betty, NCIS, The OC, The West Wing, 24, The Star Trek movies, he even made Torchwood shitter than usual (an episode saved by Freema Agyeman confronting a giant insect) and now LOST - enough is enough. We can't blame him for making the new Indiana Jones crap, but the fact he was there could be a contributing factor, people!
5. You keep dodging the big issues!
A while back the LOST ARG which was enormous fun, posted videos that suggested that with the failure of the DHARMA project to solve the Valenzetti Sequence, that it was time to release a virus that would kill two-thirds of the world's population, as you can see in the video below.
WHAT?! I mean this is fucking HUGE stuff - nevermind whether Kate wants to bed Sawyer or Jack, the DHARMA guys are going to KILL US ALL!! Why haven't they addressed this in the show?
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